Feeling like a lead balloon

Though it is April Fools today, which typically in my industry is a day of giggles and joy I am not feeling very playful. I am feeling existential dread from my office. Working from home is not possible for everyone especially if your life's work is based on public gatherings. My success is measured by the amount of people watching me at any one time. Now, no one is watching. If a clown falls from a tree and no one is around to see it... it suffers in alone. Will I be releasing videos online? Probaby, me and everyone else desperate to keep doing our 'thing'. But really, my love belongs in live performance. Feeling the energy from my audience and the collective feeling of sharing an experience in the moment together. Film is totallly different, there is no palpable energy transmission, void of that feeling like anything can happen, it is just the performer performing for an imaginary audience behind their screen in the comfort of their own space.

Tours and events are postponed, live performance is on hold and those that perform are left with this pressure to 'work on your skills, come out the otherside a more talented performer ready to hit the crowds yet again, show everyone online how much you are doing from your bedroom!'

I am still in the wallowing phase, and balloons seem so trivial in times of crisis. I am setting up a studio and I will get on the online bandwagon, because ultimately if I don't I will just disappear into the isolation obvlivion. I am resistant to just deficate all over the internet like so many people are doing, I don't want to broadcast my trauma. I want to sit with it, let it move through me and except it before I create content from a place of confidence not existential dread. I will however write a blog because hey, I don't have to shower, wash my hair or change my clothes for that!